February.

This blog posted is dedicated to the fact that I have been slacking a ridiculous amount on this blog. I am so sorry to those of you who actually read what I have to post. Wesley and I have both been ridiculously busy preparing for all that the year is bringing for the both of us.

Do you ever get that gut feeling that things are going to start getting better for you? That feeling deep in your chest and down in your gut that is telling you “Everything is going to get brighter. Just wait.” The closer and closer that it gets to being February, the feeling just keeps growing and growing and I think soon it will have taken up all of the negative space in my soul, heart, body and mind. It’s one of the best feelings in the world.
February is going to bring a very big adventure for me. Wesley and I have been together since December 11, 2011. So, February 11th will be bringing 14 wonderful months with the man that I’m madly in love with. We don’t have big plans or gift ideas for Valentine’s Day because in my eyes, that’s not at all what it’s about. It’s about showing the person that you love how much you care about them. I guess that means material things for some, but not for us. We are both perfectly content with laying in bed while we cuddle all day. I guess some would say that we are celebrating Valentine’s Day a few days later.

On February 19th, Wesley and I will be getting on an airplane and traveling half of the United States away from my parents to spend time with my beautiful best friend, Amanda (singfortheloveofgod.tumblr.com). Amanda and I have known each other for a few years but I felt like I’ve known her for much longer than that. As far as best friends go, she’s my soul mate. This past summer, she flew to Texas so that we could finally meet for the first time. I was worried it was going to be awkward and both of us would feel out of place. But that wasn’t the case. We clicked, just like we had over the internet. I am really blessed that she’s in my life and I am really blessed to have a family who is supportive and helpful in making my dream (and birthday wish) come true. We will be spending a week traveling to Boston, New York and Maine. I’m ridiculously excited for that.
Now onto March. Which is a really big milestone in my life.

The beginning of March shouldn’t be too exciting. I’ll probably work and do things that I do every other day of the year. Except I have been asked to photograph Wesley's newest niece when she arrives!  But on March 30th, I will be turning a year older. Birthday’s aren’t that big of a deal but I was born in 1992. Meaning I will be turning 21 years old. Honestly, I never thought I would have made it this far. I could have never fathomed as a kid being 21 years old. It definitely has me thinking about how much I’ve changed. I look back and I can definitely see what the past few years has done to me as a person. I’d like to think that I’ve changed for the better but I wonder if 5 year old or 7 year old or even 13 or 16 year old me would be proud of who they had become. Just like everyone else, I feel like I could do more. I feel like I should have already done more things than I have. But I think that I have done exactly what I was supposed to do.

I am happy with my life. I am happy with the choices I have made. I am happy with the people I have in my life. I would like to believe that younger me would be proud of me, just to know that I am happy. Because in the end, that’s whats the most important thing. Happiness. If you’re not happy, you have nothing.
For those of you who have read my entire novel. You might be a little confused at some of my previous statements. So, I am going to discuss things that I normally wouldn’t. Things that not many know about me.
I suffer from depression and I have since I was about 13 years old. I do not take any sort of medication for it. I just learn to cope with it. I fight through the sadness. Some days are worse than others. But I am strong enough to fight through it. Some days I just lay in bed because I just can’t take any of it. But that does not make me a weak person. When I was younger, I thought it did. And in my eyes, I couldn’t be weak. My younger brother and younger sister looked up to me, as they still do. And being the oldest child, I always thought I was supposed to always be strong, that I couldn’t break down and cry. But now I know that that isn’t the case. Strong people aren’t afraid to cry. Crying heals pain and in the end it makes you feel better. I have suffered from self harm. I haven’t injured myself in about 7 years. And that is a really great and happy thing for me to say. I pulled myself out of a very bad relationship with a man who took advantage of me every chance that he got. At the end of our relationship I felt absolutely worthless. I felt as if no one on Earth could ever want me. But I grew from it. And a man I had known for a better part of my life came back into my life and proved that I was wrong. Wesley shows me that I am loved and that I am beautiful every single day.

I’m sorry about the last paragraph being a jumbled mess. Those are all really difficult things to talk about.
All in all, I am proud of myself. I am stronger and good things are happening to me and will continue happenings to me. And even when the sky is gray and the world seems to be working against me, I won’t lose hope and I will be waiting for brighter days.

2013 is going to be good to the both of us. I am excited to see what this year will bring. Happy February y'all!